They have a 6-month-old baby, and she chose to become a stay-at-home mom. He, on the other hand, made the decision not to assist with household chores, citing his dedication to his demanding job.
A user asked the forum, Am I a jerk for telling my wife that when/if she quits her job to be a SAHM, I am not planning to do much in the way of household chores anymore?
BACK STORY
The original poster ( OP ) and his wife have a 6-month-old baby girl and a two-year-old boy. OP’s wife hasn’t been too happy since returning to her job from her last maternity leave, and OP just got a new job.
WHAT WAS OP’S LAST JOB LIKE
At OP’s old job, he was working 45-50 hours a week. But at his new job, his working hours fluctuate a lot — it can be anywhere from 60 to 80ish hours a week at the worst.
OP makes a lot more, though, so there’s that. He says that the pay raise makes it so his family can do really well on just one paycheck.
OP says that his wife was ecstatic because this meant she could be a SAHM which is what she wanted.
THE ISSUE
The issue is that OP’s wife and OP aren’t on the same page about what this change would mean. Before, when their work hours were almost equal, they divided housework pretty much equally.
WHAT ELSE
They also paid a housekeeping staff to come every other week to help them out. And they had a nanny to care for their kids while they worked. OP told his wife that her staying home would mean no more housekeeping staff or nanny.
OP says these cuts will help them afford to have just one income, and OP also thinks it’s practical.
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
OP’s wife was mostly agreeable to that. But then she said that they should divide the chores 50-50 still.
WHAT DID HE SAY
OP told her there was no way OP was going to be taking on as many work hours as he was and then come home to cook or clean too. He addresses that that would defeat the entire purpose of his wife quitting her job.
OP’s wife looked at him like he was some sort of Neanderthal, but OP thinks what he was saying is completely fair.
HE THINKS IT IS FAIR
OP says that he was not expecting her to do any heavy lifting. It is just tending to the kids, cooking, and doing a reasonable job keeping up the house.
WHAT ELSE DOES HE SAY
OP also added that he recognize that this would be an old-fashioned way of living, and if his wife ever wanted to return to the workforce, he would support her 100%.
But OP thinks it’s fair that if he was the sole paycheck and working crazy hours. He also says that he doesn’t want to come home to more stress and chaos. He added that he and his will have to work this out between themself.
And OP says that he was posting here as a sanity check to see if his thoughts on this issue are completely off base.
CHILDCARE IS AN INTENSIVE JOB
“Cooking and cleaning is kind of part of the job. Though, as a SAHM, I can say childcare is a full-time, labor-intensive job. “I’m not expecting her to do any heavy lifting.” Child care is as exhausting as a job that requires physical labor. You have to be on at all times.
It sounds like you’ll be working a lot of hours, but you need to understand that she will be working those same hours at home. Kids aren’t just something you can put on the shelf when you’re feeling overwhelmed or tired. The worst part is you don’t get sick days. My husband still has a hard time understanding that one.
If you’re still able to afford it, I would suggest keeping the housekeeping help every other week, especially during the transition, to put her more at ease. Otherwise, you’re going to have to understand that there will be bad days and even bad weeks where you might have to step up and help. You should still definitely have at least one or two chores. My hubby is still in charge of garbage and recycling (even though I constantly have to remind him), and he does help with dishes when I’m having a bad week and just can’t get back on top of things. It’s definitely going to be a struggle in the beginning to find the right balance. Please be patient and understanding.”
HAVE THE DESIRE TO HELP
“My wife and I went through this 8 yrs ago. I, too, work anywhere from 60-80 hours/wk. We initially agreed that household chores would go to her now that she is a homemaker. However, as time has evolved, a SAHM is undoubtedly a full-time job with little to no rest.
It came naturally that I love my wife and love to see her happy and relaxed, so I naturally started picking up chores. I would feel like a complete jerk sitting on the couch while she did laundry or the dishes.
It’s now common that she cooks and I do the dishes, she starts laundry, and I help to fold(though her micromanagement dictates she puts it away). I take the trash out she replaces the bag. Recently got a Rumba, so that has now been eliminated!
At the end of the day, I am sure you will realize what her job entails and, like a good partner, will have the desire to help.”
KEEP THE HOUSEKEEPER
“Yes, OP, please consider keeping the housekeeper. Maybe you could reduce it to once a month. Keeping up with day-to-day stuff might be doable for a mom of two, but it’s hard to find time for stuff like scrubbing toilets and mopping the floor. (Source- I am the mom of a 2-year-old and a 4-month-old. I work, but we kept the housekeeper at once per month when I was on maternity leave, and it was a blessing.).”
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This article was originally published on Mrs. Daaku Studio.