We’ve been trying to have a baby for years,” my wife said, “but it hasn’t happened. The doctors say we need IVF treatment, but it’s so expensive. We don’t have the money to pay for it ourselves. We’re hoping that you can help us.
A user asked the forum, “Am I a jerk for announcing my wife’s second pregnancy in front of my sister who cannot have kids and asked for my money to help pay for her IVF?”. Read the complete story to know more.
BACKSTORY
The Original Poster, OP and his wife have a 3-year-old son, and they are expecting their second child next year.
Both their children were conceived via IVF. They have spent years trying for their first with no success, and he says that it took four cycles of IVF to have him.
He says that it was brutal on his wife. But they both felt like trying for biological children was the way to go for them.
THEY HAD NO LUCK
We tried naturally for a second child after their first turned one but had zero luck.
They were left with the money for one cycle of IVF, which they decided to pursue if they didn’t have any luck naturally, which they didn’t.
HER SISTER’S INTERVENTION
Around a year ago, he and his wife were gearing up to start the ball rolling on our IVF journey when his sister came and asked if she could have the money to try IVF herself.
OP says that her sister has no bio kids but does have an 11-year-old stepson. She has endometriosis and PCOS and has never been able to have a child.
HER STEPSON
Her stepson is not very close to her, and they’ve had problems with him since the start of their marriage.
Her stepson has always mentioned that his dad married again too soon after his mom died and how her sister is trying to replace her.
He says that his sister’s stepson ran away from home three times already. They also had the police and CPS on their door because he tried to get removed from their care.
WHAT’S THE REASON FOR OP’S DENIAL
Their main reason for saying no is they wanted to give their son a sibling. But he can’t lie and say that the dynamic in her home was on his mind too.
He wasn’t sure it was a good idea to bring a new baby into their home when things were as bad as they were. His sister was very upset with him for turning her down.
WHAT DID HER SISTER SAY?
Her sister said that she has no kids, and they already have one, and they could give her a chance if they gave her the money.
OP shut her down. He told her that his answer was no, and it was final. They waited for his wife to be far enough along before announcing their last IVF cycle worked.
THE BIG ANNOUNCEMENT
They announced this at a family dinner. Everyone was so happy for them except for his sister and her husband.
WHAT DID HER SISTER SAY?
His sister started making snarky comments about how it was no big deal when they already had a kid.
WHAT DID HIS PARENTS SAY?
He told her that, given their struggles, it was a big deal. Their parents told her she should be happy for them.
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
OP’s sister then starts ranting and raving about how selfish they are to deny her motherhood and to deny her and her husband the chance to have a family together.
His other sister pointed out her stepson. She told her she’s not his mother, and he hates her guts, so it’s not like she’ll ever get any joy out of mothering him.
OP told her that he was sorry she could not have a kid of her own, but she didn’t get to demand they should sacrifice a second child for her. She then told him that he held her stepson against her.
WHAT DID OP SAY?
OP told her he couldn’t say that it hadn’t crossed his mind that bringing a child into a complicated mess would be a bad idea.
But that was beside the point because they wanted another child.
His sister told him that he was a jerk for humiliating her in front of the whole family and picking a fight with her.
OP told her she picked the fight, not him. But he agrees that he engaged in her fight. OP asks if he is a jerk.
SHE IS ENTITLED
“Not a jerk. You didn’t “deny” your sister anything; She’s not entitled to your money. If IVF is something she is interested in, she and her husband can figure out ways to raise the funds, they should not expect to be handed them.”
IT IS UNFAIR
“Look, the IVF cycle wasn’t hers to use. You paid for it. It was your money. I won’t claim she shouldn’t be trying for a kid if she can’t afford IVF to begin with. I know it’s ridiculously expensive in some places. But. It was yours.
The fact that you should give up on a second child just because she’s desperate to have her first child, which is genuinely hers that’s just not okay. Even if you were rich and could pay for her to have the full ride, it still wouldn’t be fair for her to expect you to do it. Not her money. That, and your worries, are reasonable.
The only thing you might have been able to do better is tell her in private earlier, but that’s not really why she’s angry with you. The public announcement is nothing but more oil on the fire.”
SHE MUST IMPROVE HER FINANCIAL STATUS FIRST
“Your sister doesn’t get to dictate what you do with your money. If you want a second, third, or eighth child, that is your business, not hers. She needs to improve her financial and home situation first and who’s to say the IVF would have worked for her anyway?”
YOU CAN NOT HIDE THE PREGNANCY
“Congratulations! The situation is what it is, so I don’t think there was ever going to be a perfect time or way to announce a pregnancy. Not like you could hide it forever.
IT IS RIDICULOUS
“Deny her motherhood” That is an absolutely ridiculous statement. How are they having children with you? There were no guarantees that your sister would ever get pregnant if you gave her the money.
If it meant so much to both of them, no one was stopping them from saving their own money for IVF. Did stepson hear this entire conversation? How terrible for that kid.”
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This article was originally published on Mrs Daaku Studio.