Losing one’s significant other after being cheated by them is possibly the worst situation one can imagine themselves to be in.
On top of that, if some random person comes up and demands the only stuff you’re left with in the name of the memories of the gone soul, would you give them away?
An internet user asked, “Am I a jerk for not giving the mother of my dead husband’s child his possessions?”. Here’s the full story for context.
Backstory
Original Poster, OP (30F) and her husband got married when they were 25. After 6 years, he passed away in an accident in April.
A few weeks before the accident, OP found out that he had a one-night stand with a woman who he works with. When he died, OP hadn’t decided yet what was going to happen in their relationship. They entered counseling and were still living together but obviously, it was hectic.
Did OP Tell Anyone About The Affair?
As OP wasn’t sure if they were going to divorce, she decided not to tell their families and only confided in a few close friends and OP’s therapist.
She didn’t want opinions from everyone. OP also didn’t tell his family when he died, there was no reason to.
What Happened A Few Weeks Ago?
A few weeks ago, the affair partner reached out to OP. The woman is five months pregnant and preparing to raise the baby. She wanted OP to tell his family because she wants her child to have a relationship with his family and be connected to his culture.
She Wouldn’t
OP said she wouldn’t do this and simply passed along their contact information. OP is close with her husband’s brothers, and she thought that they were going to raise him from the dead and kill him again (“Apologies for the dark humor”, says OP).
His family is coming around to the idea of having a relationship with the baby, but OP does not want to (nor has the mother offered, which is fine.)
The Woman’s Indecent Demands
The mother has gotten back in touch with OP to ask for some of her husband’s possessions. She wants his clothes, his books, his record collection, and bizarrely his wedding ring. For the baby to feel connected to its father.
OP has made it very clear to her that she will be giving her nothing of the sort. OP’s husband’s parents and brother have some of his stuff, and she can access things like that through them.
She kept pushing, and OP lost her temper and called her an “Outrageous woman who should find some shame.”
What Does OP Say?
OP says, “I wouldn’t be opposed to passing some of the stuff along to the child via my in-laws when they’re older and can appreciate it. Not the wedding ring, which was the worst request IMO but other sentimental stuff.
I’ve also retained a lawyer to determine whether I owe the child any money legally from my husband’s passing. If I don’t, I may set up a trust fund for them when they’re an adult with their money because I really don’t need it, and that seems fair.
I just do not want to give this woman all I have left of my husband. I really do not trust her with any of it.”
Everyone’s Reaction
Obviously, the woman thinks OP is bitter and a jerk and OP’s in-laws are divided. OP’s in-laws are largely supportive but some think that she needs to give some of his stuff to her and the baby.
Some of his brothers have told me that they’re sympathetic but that I’m behaving like a jerk and a baby by not cooperating for the sake of the child.
“I’m unsure whether the complicated grief is clouding my judgment”, says OP.
There’s Nothing Bitter About What You Did
“Not the jerk. If she wants to get the possessions of her partner after they die she should consider getting married instead of being the other woman. There’s nothing bitter about what you’re doing. She just doesn’t know how life or the law works.”
She Wants The Wedding Ring For What?
“Not the jerk. His WEDDING RING?! 5 bucks and my left toe says that’s so she can spin the tail that THEY were married and he isn’t an affair baby. Absolutely not, that’s bonkers.”
You Have ABSOLUTELY NO OBLIGATIONS Towards Her
“Your deceased husband’s side piece wants you to give her your husband’s stuff? Oh, hell No. You are not obligated to give her a damned thing. Nor do you have any kind of monetary obligations towards her or the baby since she was the sidepiece & not his wife. That person would be you.
Why would you even consider setting up a trust fund for a homewreckers kid? (yeah yeah, the baby is innocent, but the mom isn’t) That would just give her leverage to demand more. Which she doesn’t deserve.”
You Sound Reasonable
“You sound incredibly reasonable to me. You’re willing to put things aside for the child, including trust! You just don’t want to deal with the other woman while amid grief. Definitely talk to a lawyer and shut out the noise from those who are claiming your reaction isn’t okay. Not the jerk.”
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This article was originally published on Mrs Daaku Studio.