When you give in a little too much effort than YOU KNOW YOU SHOULD, things almost always end up being messy!
An internet user asked, “Am I a jerk for asking my husband to care for my family the way I did when his parents were visiting?”. Here’s the full story for your context.
The Original Poster (OP) (30F) and her husband (30M) have been together for almost 2 years, and married for 10 months.
His parents had recently visited them for the first time and OP went above and beyond to make them feel comfortable and welcome.
“MIL was extremely happy when they left, FIL shed a few tears since this was completely in contrast to how they’ve been treated at elder BIL’s home all these years.”, says OP.
How Did OP Go Above And Beyond?
Even though OP used to disagree with her husband at times, she didn’t argue or talk back in front of his parents. OP would wake up well before breakfast, lunch, and dinner and serve and eat after everyone’s finished.
“I even took up cleaning so he can spend more time with his parents.”, says OP.
Two Months Later
Two months later, OP’s mom visited. While overall he’s been nice, engaging and sweet, OP is still doing all of the above. Last night, he was on Instagram but OP ended up serving dinner and cleaning.
He slept off early and while OP was awake till 2 a.m. since her mom wanted to watch a movie, OP woke up early to make breakfast.
“He woke up late, didn’t ask my mom if she’s even eaten and overall didn’t bother.”, says OP.
OP Lost Her Cool
OP was fuming, so when he said something about OP not waking him up for his gym, OP retorted saying— “We’re all responsible adults and since my mom’s here I want to spend time with her instead.” It was more of a taunt.
What Happened Next
He didn’t eat his breakfast, went into the room and closed the door saying he had work. OP’s mom has asked her twice if he’s upset.
“He’s not coming out of his room, it’s been 3 hours.”, says OP.
Some More Information
OP later edited the post and added the following information:
1) “I’m from an Indian background. In our culture, we have been raised to treat our guests with utmost respect. We are taught to respect, support and care for our parents; their presence is ALWAYS welcome.
It isn’t a 1950’s subservient bang-maid scenario, but a result of utmost love and respect. It is a basic courtesy for us to ask guests if they had their meal, how it tasted, and if they slept well. These are the most basic courtesies and quite normal for us.
To understand the normalcy of it, as kids, we’ve given up our room for guests to sleep and instead spent the night on the floor mattress. It’s quite common and expected in most Indian households.”
2) “We split our chores quite well and rarely argue over it. The point is not chores; it’s empathy. When his parents were around I wouldn’t even dream of sleeping in till late, throwing a tantrum by locking myself in a room and not extending them the basic courtesy of asking if they had food.
I wouldn’t dream of having an argument or snapping at him the way he’s doing when my family’s around. Moreover, I do not like airing our dirty laundry in front of family/friends visiting us for a few days.”
Now OP wants to know if she is wrong here.
You Answered Your Own Question
“You answered your own question. You went above and beyond. That means more than normal expectations. That was your choice. In this instance, I think you have unreasonable expectations.”
Being Passive Aggressive Isn’t Going To Work
“You’re the jerk. So first he’s working and you are not. That is a big deal.
Second, what exactly are you upset about? That he didn’t do things that you didn’t ask him to do? If you have expectations, voice them. Don’t make snippy comments on unrelated matters.
Being passive-aggressive in a relationship is never healthy. The title of this post is completely misleading. It does not sound like you did ask him.”
Just Grow Up!
“Sorry, but you’re the jerk. Stop being a damn martyr and expecting anyone else to meet the standards from a previously hosted visit. Just grow up & use your words to verbalize the next visit by his family & expectations of duties.”
You Both Should Have Talked Beforehand
“Not the jerk but you both should have talked about expectations before both visits and you set a precedent with his parents that you might not be able to continue – especially being quiet when you don’t agree.”
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